Showing posts with label soccer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label soccer. Show all posts

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Minor League Football

While having my hair cut with Barb at Hairacy's, we discussed softball and volleyball around Saint John and I realized that growing up, I lived for sports.  They were essential for my survival.  My friends and I played from when we got up for as long as light would let us in the summer, and immediately after school to bedtime in the winter.  We played everything we could: hockey, baseball, football, soccer... anything.

We usually had to improvise since organized sports in our circle was rare.  A couple friends played hockey at its lowest level, but the monetary commitment and amount of time involved wasn't something to which our parents could or would commit.

This led to the Armdale Executioners street hockey team, The Cowie Hill Open golf course, tennis under a relatively nearby street lamp at three in the morning, and many more extraordinary uses of our rich imaginations along with the desire to be like those kids with the uniforms.



In junior high, I somehow heard of a minor league football team accepting tryouts.

"They provide the equipment," a classmate told me.

Incredulous, but hopeful, I looked in the yellow pages for someone who knew of this place.  A number of well-placed calls eventually led to me being given the number for the coach, I phoned and was told that although I had already missed a number of practices, I was welcome to come.

After school the next day, I walked the few miles to the football field and was outfitted with shoulder pads, those short padded pants and a helmet.  "You'll need cleats and a cup too."

I had no clue how to play organized football.  My friends and I had played lots, but we considered ourselves very lucky if there was four to a team, so rules were improvised.  You played offense and defense.  Positions such as guard, tackle, etc. didn't exist.  And a play consisted of, "I'll fake the hand-off to Jeff, then John will be open in the end zone."

"What position are you trying out for, kid?"

"I usually play quarterback, but sometimes running back," I replied noticing the confident older players currently vying for those positions.

"We'll try you at right guard."

I may as well have been placed on another planet.  Other than the football, the practice equipment was completely foreign and the drills were entirely unfamiliar.  They were out of  play-books, so I was told to try to find time to study a team-mate's.  There was only one on the team from my neighbourhood and he wasn't exactly willing to share.

Guard is not a complicated position, but it's amazingly stifling when you're used to quarterback.  "Block the opposing player, but you can never use your hands or a holding penalty could hurt the entire team.  Yes, he can use his hands.  You can't hit him if he gets past you, that's clipping.  On certain plays you'll need to pull, so you need to know those plays."  It seemed stupid to point out I didn't have a  play-book.

After slipping around the field that entire first practice, my father thought I may need cleats.  He took me to Simpsons-Sears bargain basement and we took a look at what they had available.  There were no football cleats in my size, besides they were pricey.  There was a pair of soccer cleats, an infinitely unpopular game at that time, that were almost the correct size, so we got those.  The only difference between soccer and football  footwear is the missing cleat at the front of the shoe used for digging in and leveraging forward.  I guessed soccer players didn't have to move forward as much and never had to push back opposing players trying to tackle the guy with the ball.

At fourteen, I was certainly able to figure out the importance of a cup, but since I never had one at any other time in my life, it wasn't at all concerning we didn't consider one now.  Just for the record, I don't have any children.

There was an odd sort of unexpected pride felt carrying the football gear to school for practice after it let out.  My photo even made the local paper when a reporter wrote about the upcoming season.  I was throwing a clip as the opposing tackle tried to get our star running back.  I still have the photo  somewhere.

After a number of practices, the coach pulled three of us aside and told us we weren't going to be cut, but he hoped we would try a little harder to learn the plays.  After a couple of the veteran players told us that meant we wouldn't be used on the team, the three of us ended up turning in our equipment at the end of practice.

"When is your first game," my father asked one night over the phone.

"I was cut," I told him.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

How to Defend your Manhood with Chanel

I had a rather vivid dream last night and I am reaching out for help to understand its meaning.  I have no access to professional help, if it's even needed, so my mental well-being lies in your hands.

Holly and I had a somewhat substantial role in a celebrity soccer match.  The teams were sprinkled with professional European footballers and every day people donated money to charity for the chance to play with these stars.

The game was close, ending with me scoring the winning goal in extra time on a penalty kick.  Holly insisted it was set up similarly to when the Harlem Globetrotters help a nine year old kid from the audience slam dunk a basketball, but I know it was my innate ability as a natural athlete, even if they did give me a second chance after I missed the ball on my initial kick.



Anyway, that's not the weird part.  After the game Holly needed to rejuvenate and retired to a quiet room to rest.  After obligingly accepting my congratulatory wishes, I entered this room to find her laying with her back to the door on a daybed with Gilles seated behind her, kissing the back of her neck.

Gilles was one of the celebrity players - French, suave, graceful, in possession of that rare ability to do everything effortlessly, with style and power.

I knew I had to act quickly to defend her honour and my manhood.  Holly regards me as her protector, so I knew I couldn't let that image be tarnished.

Any of you familiar with my blog knows I'm a bit of an athlete myself.  I've twice completed the 10 km portion of Halifax's Blue Nose Marathon and almost made it to the starting line of this year's Marathon By the Sea here in Saint John.  Of course, I also starred for the Armdale Executioners street hockey team.

Not wanting to end Gilles' soccer career, I decided to try to avoid giving him the physical thrashing he really deserved so, from my jacket pocket, I produced a sample size vial of Chanel Bleu.  You know what I mean, those little glass bottles that spray minuscule amounts of fragrance on you.  The bottles that look remarkedly similar to the vessels that contained precious stink-bomb fluid often used by unruly young boys.



As Holly whimpered lightly beneath his advances, clearly mistaking his soft lips for mine, I stealthily sneaked up behind him and pumped two squirts of the venomous liquid into his eyes.

He looked at me with the terror a coyote sees when bearing down upon a young rabbit and blinked a little.  The ingredients Chanel uses for their wares were apparently not as formidable as I had hoped.  Holly, confused by the commotion, turned to see Gilles' mildly irritated eyes, mistaking them for tears of sadness and then angrily assumed that I had done something to hurt his feelings and make him cry.

It was then that I awoke to voluminous feelings of anxiety and fear.  Holly is concerned that this is happening far too often and insists I look into counselling, but I told her I could handle it myself.